In our massage room in Girona, we often hear a concern that generates a lot of distress and silence: “Carles, Angela… I love my partner, but I just don’t feel like it anymore. It doesn’t come from within. I think I’ve shut down.”
This feeling of “not being normal” is the result of years of cultural myths, porn, and outdated sexual education. Recently, our friend and colleague, Dr. Vian Aziz (gynecologist and sexual health expert in the UK), shared some reflections on the book Mind the Gap by Dr. Karen Gurney, which we believe everyone should read.
Today we want to bring this science to the skin and explain why your body is not broken.
1. The myth of spontaneous desire: You are not a remote control
We’ve been told that “normal” desire is what appears out of nowhere, like a lightning bolt in a clear sky (Spontaneous Desire). If you don’t feel a wild urge for sex while cooking or watching a series, you think you have a dysfunction.
But the scientific reality is different: most people (especially in long-term relationships) experience Responsive Desire.
This means that desire doesn’t appear before the action, but rather in response to a stimulus, emotional closeness, or physical touch. Desire is like a fire that needs someone to fan the coals and blow a little. It’s not a malfunction; it’s a natural variation of human functioning.
2. “Mind the Gap”: The orgasm gap
Dr. Vian reminds us of a staggering fact: there is a 30% gap in the probability of reaching orgasm between men and women in heterosexual relationships.
This is not a biological problem of women. It is a cultural problem. Masculine pleasure (fast and goal-oriented) has been prioritized, forgetting that the female body needs time, context, and deep relaxation of the nervous system to open up. The Tantra Energy we practice in our room is precisely the perfect tool to bridge this gap.
3. Cultivating pleasure: Your erotic map
Desire is not something you “have”; it’s something you “cultivate.” To do so, Vian gives us four keys that we endorse 100%:
- Real information: Stop believing in the movies. Learn how your nervous system works.
- Communication: Learning to say “I like it this way” or “I need to go slower” is the best aphrodisiac.
- Knowing your map: Exploring which areas of your body vibrate and which rhythms connect you.
- Reducing shame: Guilt and shame are the switches that turn off desire.
What does massage have to do with all this?
Everything. Our room is the perfect laboratory to practice responsive desire.
When you come for a Tantra Energy session, you come without the pressure of “having to perform.” There is no end goal. By removing the pressure, your nervous system relaxes, your skin awakens, and suddenly, the energy you thought was lost begins to move on its own.
We don’t expect you to “feel like it” before entering. We aim for your body to remember, through conscious touch and presence, that pleasure is its natural state.
Angela & Carles
